How Very Strange

Something very odd (to me) happened last week. My mother died. You might say, “Odd, how? People die all the time.” And yes, I know they do, but I’ve never had my mother die before. I stood by her bed with my siblings and watched her take her last breath. It felt so odd to be doing such. It happened exactly as the nurses said it would, those last couple of hours. Her breath got shallower and shallower until it finally just stopped. Several times she would stop breathing completely for a few seconds, then start again. Each time I would think, “….this is it. She is gone.” But then, she would start up again. A couple of times she made a loud gasping noise. But her breaths just got shorter and shorter and shorter. When they couldn’t get any shorter, they stopped. The nurse listened to her heart and said, “Her heart has stopped now. She is gone.” How very strange it all felt.

I kept talking to her as she was dying because people say the hearing is the last thing to go, and that she could hear me. I really don’t know if I believe that. In fact, I think I lean towards not believing it, or that if she could hear me, she probably couldn't make sense of what I are saying. My mother was on lots of pain medication and was talking out of her head some before she went unconscious, for one thing, and I guess I think that with all that was going on in her body, she probably couldn’t process very clear thoughts at that time anyway. But, I don’t know. I could be wrong. She may have known exactly what was going on around her. I just don’t think so, ....but that’s just my opinion.

I dreamed the other night that my mother was alive again, and was in the same miserable state she was in before she died. “Oh no,” I thought, “I don’t want this. I would rather her be gone and out of her misery." --I’m glad she is pain free now.

But I will miss her. Heck, I've only known her for 52 years! And she was a lovely, sweet lady. She loved me very much, I know she did. And I loved her too.